Blessed and Cursed

blessed-and-cursed

There are people who have a lot of time on their hands and don’t have anything better to do than gossip and cause trouble. These people are not good for me to listen to or think about. They are not important in my life. I’ve turned my back to them and left that in the past. The truth always comes out. And the truth liberates us.

I’m lucky to have friends step up and support my family. Friends that invited the McCarthy family into their homes. Teachers that went above and beyond their duty to make my children feel safe in school. Coaches who continued to challenge my kids to excel in a caring way. The Atascadero and San Luis Obispo communities have made the McCarthys feel welcome. We are fortunate to live in such a beautiful area. I thank all who have helped us in one way or another.

Being a single parent is a huge task, especially when you are still grieving and your children are dealing with the loss of their mother. I’ve reached out to Single Parent support groups. Their group discussions were disappointing. To them, it wasn’t about finding flow in their lives. It was more about how to control their children. To control others, something which I never believed in. I sensed anger within these other single Dads. They made me uncomfortable. So I started writing this blog as a way of healing. And here we are.

Several people remarked to me since my last post that I have been taking shots at Janet. I don’t see it that way.

We were married for 22 years. The last few years were bad. I learned a lot during the past 14 months. I was naive. I understand that darkness can creep into a marriage. I understand how sickness can affect one’s self-perception. I understand that Janet was well into the process of divorcing me. And that others were complicit in that. Yet I’ve put that in a box and left it in the past.

I also packed away the memories of the Sheriff Department’s bungling. I put away the PTSD of finding your wife dead in a shower. I put away the vile internet gossip. I put away the realization that my kid’s childhoods were disrupted. I put away the BFJs “Best Friends of Janet” (They haven’t offered once ounce of support to my family since Janet died). I have moved into the present.

But what I don’t understand is why Janet lied to others about myself? Why did she push me away from my family? I’m not going to dignify the rumors I have heard about myself, because they’re so outlandish as to not deserve even a mention. I’m in the right to write about the severe emotional abuse I was subjected to in the past few years. My “pot-shots” aren’t that, they are descriptions of what I went through.

Abuse alone is hard enough to put into a box and leave in the past. What makes it especially hard is knowing my children witnessed Janet’s gas-lighting. We have worked hard since then. My children are thriving. Part of it is because they are so young and don’t have a lifetime of memories to contend with. They are growing into remarkable young adults.

It’s me I worry about. I can’t put the thought of Janet’s evisceration of myself into a box. I think of what lies she told others. I especially think of what lies she told my children. How can the woman you married, the one that you loved, do this? Why? And I can’t let it go.

Several weeks ago I met a special person. Alexandra is all that I dreamed in a relationship. She is a soulmate. We’ve gone far in two weeks. Alexandra and the kids get along. Neither one of us see any warning signs.

So I’m into a new and exciting relationship. I want to put away the memories of Janet trashing our marriage. I want to do it right the second time around. I want to put all the bad into a box, and move on with our lives. I want my children to find peace.

How do I put this last bit of pain away?